The past eight weeks have been exciting. trying. fun. tough. enjoyable. long. adventurous. stretching. energizing. tiring. wonderful.... I could use so many other adjectives to describe these past few months but if I had only one I'd use the word struggle. These past eight months, with all the highs and lows, have been a real struggle. Between me, myself, and I and Father, Son and Spirit. Between my flesh and my spirit. Between me and Brian. Between my selfishness and the fruit of God's spirit. Between what I want to do and what I have to do. Between...well, I think you get the point. And if you're human I think you might be able to relate.
Sometimes life as a whole can seem like a constant struggle. Especially when you have experienced the gift of righteousness, and yet still feel the effects of sin. Ugh... but today I came to the end of much of the struggling that has been going on.
So much of my ugliness has surfaced these past few weeks and I've been faced with things I've been neglecting for several years. It's funny how in focusing on marriage and a career I seemed to neglect the more important thing. I think I did a pretty good job acting like I had it all taken care of though.
I've especially been struggling with unmet expectations. SEVERAL unmet expectations. This is something I often fight against and have had significant problems with since Brian and I were married three years ago. I'd like to say I entered marriage without any expectations, but is that even possible? Either way, I failed, and of course he failed (we are after all human and therefore sinful/imperfect/prone to disappointment and disappointing etc.) This time away from work, friends and family has been a growing time for us as a couple and I am excited about the growth I've seen in both of us and the encouragement we've gained in each other. Even so we didn't solve our struggle against each other because I didn't cease to expect.
Another expectation I've been struggling with is this idea that IF I were married before I were 25 I'd have a baby by the time I was 25, or at least be pregnant when I was 25 (don't ask why I just always 'expected' this.) I was married at age 22...I'll be 26 on Saturday. No baby. Painful unmet expectation. It's been very painful. This past year (for reasons I won't get into on a blog) I have daily fought against feeling defeat in this area and prayed that I would be able to trust in His perfect timing. I told myself over and over that at this point in our journey having a baby would be less than ideal (although I never consider a child a burden or inconvenience, they are always a blessing) and that He knows better than I do (can I get an amen!?) but I still struggled with feeling inadequate and doubting if having a child is even a possibility for us.
The very first week we were here this was brought up in my heart when one of the staff spoke on "laying down your rights." She talked about letting go and trusting Him with everything. Stepping out in faith and believing that He is good even in situations you might consider bad. Stepping out in faith and trusting that He is more than capable to heal, to provide, to take care of all your needs. Trusting that even when He doesn't do things the way we want or expect He is still good and is working all things for our good in Him. Even when things don't turn out the way I expect He is still worth all of me and SO. MUCH. MORE. As she was sharing I knew I needed to lay down my 'right' to have children of my own, or any children at all. I knew that I needed to stop worrying and fretting over this and lay it at His feet and leave it there. I tried, but I just kept picking it back up. It was a struggle. I didn't expect to stop wanting children, I just wanted to have peace about the situation and accept the very real possibility that I might not have children...I wasn't experiencing peace because I didn't cease to expect.
Another struggle I've had has been against my own daily selfishness, pride and overall desire to be right and be heard. I won't bore you with any details, I'm pretty sure you have your own story of struggle with similar things so I'm trusting you understand. If you don't, I'd love to sit down over a cup of coffee (or tea or juice) and hear your secret!
This past week I was especially struggling with all these worries, fears, sins, and uncertainties as my spirit brought it all to the surface in such a way that I had to deal with it though I wanted to just continue ignoring it like I often do the laundry piled high on my couch. However, I'd left it piled up long enough, it was time to get it sorted our. I spent so much time in prayer and in tears. He was making me take a really hard look at who I was and I didn't see the woman I wanted to be at this point in life. I feel like I've grown in many areas and know I have many strengths and I'm so thankful for His kindness in constantly reminding me of these attributes of mine that He delights in. Even so, He is kind in weeding out the things that are killing my spirit. He brought the very root issues to the surface. It was painful. All the things I mentioned above, and a few more. I wrote it all out on a piece of paper, very frustrated through it all, but after it was done I felt lighter. I knew that I was being held accountable to live victoriously over these things by the very maker of my heart and that it was in His strength I've overcome and would continue to overcome. He showed me steps I need to take, confessions I need to make, and truths I need to meditate on.
Today I put all these expectations and rights in the fire....and I walked away!
I'm not perfect, I still struggle but I know that my King reigns victorious and in me His spirit reigns giving me victory over the flesh. Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
And let all that's within me praise His name.
Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
And let all that's within me praise His name.
For I will not die, I will live,
And I will tell of the Works of the Lord
And sing of His wonders.
I will not die, I will live.
I will not die, I will live,
'Cause He's a great God.
He's a great God.
And I get to love You through whatever comes.
What a privilege
That I get to love You through whatever comes.
Oh, how sweet it is,
That I get to love You through whatever comes.
What a privilege it is
That I get to love You through whatever comes.
Oh, how sweet it is.
And nothing's gonna take Your praise out of my mouth
As long as I shall live,
As long as I shall live...
Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
And let all that's within me praise His name.
For I will not die, I will live,
And I will tell of the Works of the Lord
And sing of His wonders.
I will not die, I will live.
I will not die, I will live,
'Cause He's a great God.
He's a great God.
And I get to love You through whatever comes.
What a privilege
That I get to love You through whatever comes.
Oh, how sweet it is,
That I get to love You through whatever comes.
What a privilege it is
That I get to love You through whatever comes.
Oh, how sweet it is.
And nothing's gonna take Your praise out of my mouth
As long as I shall live,
As long as I shall live...
